Actually, I think it might say ain't no bunny happy.
I did play Mama Rabbit in my second grade Easter-time production of The Magic Egg. And I do happen to be a mama now. Nonetheless the expression baffles me, which is why I find myself gazing at that image in muddled fascination every time we visit.
What can it mean? If Mama wakes up in a bad mood, watch out everyone, because she is seriously vindictive and you're going to get it? Or is it that Mama sets the emotional tone for the whole family? As in, if she is happy and energetic and displays a can-do attitude, her little ones will follow suit? And likewise, if she is grumpy, everyone else will take the cue and grump along beside her? (Such responsibility! I feel faint of heart considering that option). Could it be that when Mama ain't happy, and takes to her bed, family members' needs are no longer magically met, which leads to a lot of unhappy people wondering who else knows how to cut their sandwiches in just the right way?
The expression strikes me on a personal level as wishful thinking. Being the sensitive emotional sponge that I am, it makes more sense in the opposite direction. If the bunnies ain't happy, this mama ain't happy neither.
Today I felt unshakably gloomy, and I knew it was about deep levels of bunny unrest in our little burrow. This evening Mike and I talked about how depressed we'd both been feeling today, and it didn't take long to trace it back to our daughter. He told me about the miserable ride to school with Frances in the morning, and I told him about our miserable ride home. The last few days have been rough. We cycle through it: she is disrespectful and relentlessly contradictory, we feel angry and fed up, we give her talking-tos and time outs, the behavior continues on and on, and it is misery. Anything (homework, getting dressed, taking medicine) seems to be an occasion for conflict, and in those moments I can feel gripped by rage. But when she is gone and things quiet down, the sadness flows right in. We are out of sync, and it hurts.
Discipline is by far the most onerous and taxing part of parenthood for me. Frances seems to be disturbed or upset by something deep down, and she is often difficult to be around as a result. I see her doubt and discomfort, and see how it informs her behavior. But even when someone is sad, she still isn't allowed to do and say mean things to her family. It is wearying to think of how many times I've said "go to your room" in the last week.
I'm sure all the anger and twisted up feelings can be traced back to school. What exactly about school? Who knows. Maybe it's just too long; she's tired. Maybe it's something more.
As my children get older, the details change, but the essential challenge remains the same. I'm not in control. I can't make this one better. I can only try to facilitate conditions that will help loosen and untie the mysterious knots inside Frances. It is hard to see her struggle, and hard to feel angry at her. I miss my bunny.
1 comment:
I'm glad you write about being out of sync with your kid. It's such a lonely place to occupy, but its a place that all parents find themselves some of the time. It's very brave and honest of you to talk about it in a public way.
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