When I posted about getting in the bathtub with Frances, I was trying to work out why exactly it was the right thing for us to do. So many threads came together last night: thoughts on intimacy and relationship, physical boundaries, and parent-child closeness as a child grows up. I fear it was a bit of a tangle by the end.
I didn't stop thinking about it after I published that post. The physical closeness I extolled is indeed essential - though every child and every parent is different, and the ways that closeness can be expressed are endless - but I don't think getting into the tub with Frances was actually about that.
It can be hard for my daughter to rest easy in another's affections. It's as if she doesn't quite believe us; she can't comfortably accept the bottomless nature of our love for her. So sometimes she can be grabby with my body, demanding a hug or pulling on my hands insistently. Sometimes she rejects expressions of affection, or denies their veracity. It makes my heart hurt.
When she asked me to get in the tub, she was asking for reassurance. She was asking for a gesture that might help her believe in my unconditional love. Something that would communicate that I will never leave her, and I will never stop loving her - even if she's naughty or greedy or impolite.
Snuggling up with a book, talking about birds, and crafting together hopefully help soothe her uneasiness too. But this bath thing - during which we hardly touched at all - helped on an entirely different level. She was downright peaceful afterwards, and bedtime was unbearably sweet.
Maybe that's why it was hard for me to imagine the same scenario with Gabriel - I don't think he'd ask, because he doesn't seem to need that kind of reassurance in the same way. He's a different kid. And even though we haven't talked with our children about why locker rooms are segregated by sex, and why Frances can change clothes with her girl friends but not her boy friends, they know that that's the case all the same. I can't imagine Frances asking Mike to get into the tub with her - because she intuits that that's not appropriate. That said, I do believe now is a good time to have those conversations, and help them understand why the world is organized as it is.
As ever, thank you dear patient readers for hanging with me as I try to make sense of these everyday mysteries. I'm wishing all of you just the right balance of independence and intimacy in your lives today.
On a different note, is anyone having trouble posting comments? If so, I'm sorry about that. Hopefully the problem will be resolved soon.
2 comments:
beautiful--"what we know in our bodies counts"-- love it. thanks for working through these tough questions so thoughtfully, candidly, and intelligently. it is an utter pleasure to have this window into your world, not in a voyeuristic way, but in a "this adds so much to my own life" kind of way. THANK YOU, i'll say it again...
Sarah, thank YOU. You can tell I was troubled by the murkiness I was confronting around some of these issues, unsure if these posts were worth putting out there... your comment was like you stepping into the tub with me - immensely reassuring.
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