marbles

Hello! Hello, hello. Remember me? I used to have two little kids, and I would occasionally write here about parenting quandaries having to do with things like school, discipline, food, community, friends, and naps. Then you all would comment and inquire, and conversations sometimes unfolded, and I loved the clarity, support, and solidarity that emerged. 

Remember that?

Now I have one baby, two medium-sized kids, and one part-time job, and somehow the time to reflect and bring my questions and insights, triumphs and disappointments to you proves elusive. It's not just about a busier life though; something about having school-aged children changes things. Their voices become ever more distinct and independent; the family conversation includes them in a new way. It's no longer me and two little irrational creatures figuring out what to do all day; it's me and four other people with countless needs and expectations, navigating a busy kitchen where we reconverge most days around 4 pm.  

But! Perhaps in anticipation of Summer, tonight I harken back to the days of yore and bring you a simple story about the latest development in our historically patchy and inconsistent efforts to get our kids to behave. Nicely. I present to you - the Marble Jar.

One day a couple of months ago I was meeting with my social work supervisor, completely distracted by how mean Frances had been to her brother that morning and how clueless I felt about how to help her behave with kindness. So I asked for her help. She works with a lot of kids and families and suggested something so concrete and so simple that we never would have thought of it in a million years.

Gabriel doesn't actually need much help on the kindness front, but I didn't want to single out Frances, and he does need to do a better job of putting his things away, so they both got a jar. Every morning I put five marbles in each jar. Five marbles just for waking up in the morning and being their own excellent selves.

Marbles are removed or added depending on behavior throughout the day. If Gabriel remembers to put his shoes away, or cooperates cheerfully when I ask him to clean up or set the table, he gets a marble. If Frances volunteers to help one of her siblings with something or is spontaneously supportive or kind, she gets a marble. 

There is a line duct-taped one-third of the way up the jar, and then two-thirds of the way up. These lines represent smallish rewards, and then once the jar is entirely filled there will be some kind of amazing and awesome and as-yet undefined experience in store, not to mention (I hope) a sense of accomplishment. 

Gabriel filled his jar to the one-third line first. He debated requesting a family bike ride. He considered a special night-time swim. Then he settled on the very best possible reward: an epic battle. Every knight and dragon and horse in the house vs. our family (minus Beatrice, who just wouldn't get it - so we battled during her naptime). 

Gabriel wanted Mama and Papa to help him set up every stray plastic knight, forming them into one ragtag (yet formidable) army, arrayed across the playroom floor. Standards were flying, dragons were spitting fire, and a dopey wooden king sat on the battlements and watched it all. 

Then, once it was perfect, Gabriel explained we would be using crossbows and catapults to knock every warrior to bits. Not a single knight would remain standing! Frances, who was unwilling to involve herself directly, agreed to play the musical accompaniment on her recorder while we shot and threw things at the army, eventually heaving plastic toys across the room, sending the bigger figures flying. Shock and awe, people.

In the middle of it all Gabriel looked up at me and said, Mama, I've been thinking about this battle since I was three years old. And now we're finally doing it. Let's do this every Sunday afternoon!

It was the perfect reward for him, our dear boy who wants nothing more than time with his family.

Does the marble jar system work? I'm not sure. I do think Frances has been more mindful about how mean her words can be, and she has definitely been more cooperative and willing to help out around the house. It's striking how meaningful a physical representation of positive reinforcement can be - these days, the clink of a marble dropping into a jar is a powerful sound.

Indulge me, friends, for old time's sake: now you. How is everyone behaving in your house? Has a sticker chart/marble jar/gold star system ever actually worked for anyone? And does anyone have the discipline and commitment to have actually stuck with one of these behavior modification techniques?