slip slide

Whenever Beatrice is hanging out in a diaper and not much else, the big kids find her expanses of rosy soft skin irresistible. I pick her up to plunk her in the bath. Mama, wait! they beg. Let me touch her belly one more time. Gabriel buries his nose in her back. Frances squishes her outrageous thighs. The effect is intoxicating. It is simply impossible to keep their hands and faces away from her.

I feel the same. Every night in the midst of after-dinner noise and chaos, the baby has a bath on the kitchen counter, gets toweled off and then clad in pajamas. After quick goodnights, she and I move from the bright lights and sounds of the hallway into her quiet room. I flick on her white noise machine with my toe, turn off the light, and close the door. The change in environment is drastic, and I have to be ready to catch her head with the crook of my arm because she dives into a nursing position before the door clicks shut.

When we nurse and rock in the dark, her top arm initially flies around wildly, fingers reaching, grasping and kneading, unwilling to give up a day full of handling and manipulating everything within reach,  even while her eyes droop and the rest of her body begins to relax. The feel of Beatrice's soft, persistent fingers grazing over my belly, pinching my arm and searching for my face is dependably one of the best parts of my day. I cannot even begin to describe it. Sliding my fingers along the soft pad of her hand while it explores and tugs on my clothes ... oh, what is it like? Nothing else. The feeling it evokes in me - deep-down in my muscles and bones, outside of language - reminds me of being in a department store with my mother when I was little. I would run my fingers along the clothes, looking for the softest fabrics on one of those circular racks - silky nightgowns, maybe - then close my eyes and walk slowly around the rack, letting the softness slide over my face.

That felt really, really good. But holding my nursing baby at bedtime is even better! It's an exquisite sensory experience that pulls at my heart. Body, mind, spirit. Being a mother is amazing.